we are all mistakes in one way or another, we are all fallen angels.
I don’t expect you to feel warmth, or extreme heat. I’m sure you don’t know what it’s like to leave a cigarette burning a hole in your skin. Just like you did to me.
I was always panicked by something or another.
Panicked by mere questions: What do you do for a living? What makes you happy? Where are you from? How much do you make? When are you getting married? Do you enjoy anal? Can we come in?
Panicked by knowledge: Everyone you’ve ever met, ever loved, every single person on the planet right now, will be dead in 120 years. What will be left of you in this cycle of the World? What will you leave behind? Ashes and virtual profiles?
Panicked by mundane experiences: When I flushed the toilet at yours and the flush wouldn’t stop, and the water level rose, and the turd danced around the rim, like a toad trying to get out of a slippery pond…
Panicked by life threatening events: The storm came without warning, and I was masturbating, and the sails flapped violently but I couldn’t hear it, because all the blood in my body was surging to my brain… But I felt the thud of the mast coming down. It was violent and unavoidable. And the crack and whipping sound is the soundtrack to panic in my mind, it’s always there, with every moment of arousal.
Panicked by you. I know what panic tastes like… You made sure to teach me every shade of it. But this time, it’s different. It’s not my panic, but yours. It’s in my mouth when I choked you, and kissed you, and you trusted me… How could you be so arrogant and think I’d forgiven you… You never saw it coming. The taste took longer to wash away than my memory of you. I sleep better at night knowing you can’t harm any of us anymore.
I used to panic for the smallest of things; do I have something between my teeth? Am I dressed accordingly to the event? Will someone laugh at how much I eat? Will I freeze when I’m on stage? Do I smell bad? But after you… After you put me through hell and after I sent you there… I don’t feel panicked by much anymore. I sometimes feel tension built in my neck and the hairs of my body go on edge when police officers walk straight toward me… But they don’t know. Nobody knows. They always walk past me after checking me out.
I do however miss that taste, and wonder if ever I’ll have it again.
Honing skills and loving the ride 