Verdant

Verdant

There’s nothing more romantic than the way you look at me in the morning.

But there’s nothing more heartbreaking than knowing you’re just a dream.

I’ve been chasing you for years, following you on all your accounts from the silence of anonymity. Hiding behind it. Some say it’s cowardice, but it’s just the only way I can be close to you without fearing you hurting me, again.

It’s been so many times, that now it’s as if it were just a habit – like this is what we’re supposed to feel when we love – a rush of pain with the hope of a better day.

You never did anything to make me feel a lack of love, but you never did anything to make me feel special, unless it carried a benefit for you, and those type of compliments, well, they don’t get much done. You’ve gaslighted me into believing I’m nothing, or maybe, you just showed me the way, “if we don’t know where we stand, we can’t make a plan.” Isn’t this what you would say to me? And you would make it very clear that I stood at the very bottom of pretty much everything.

There’s nothing to do when we write without purpose, but it’s better than if we were to not write at all.

Does the painter paint himself-not-painting when he’s out of inspiration? Cause I don’t know any writer that doesn’t talk to themselves through their writing, sometimes quite pathetic, and not meant for the eyes of anyone.

But here I make no edits, I write what I think, and how I feel, and hope that it helps me feel better.

Verdant is how I feel when you check your phone before you say good morning to me.

Verdant is how I feel when you brush past me in the halls and act as if we don’t know each other…

Verdant is how I feel when I’ve smoked too much pot, and the World spins green.

Verdant is the sound of the last breath you took next to me, the second just before you got up from the broken sprung bed, and you left. You were so cold, you didn’t look back… I wonder if you made that a point. Or it was just a natural way to show how little you cared.

Who will know ….

I love you still… and I know I shouldn’t.

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