Can someone please tell me how to tell the difference between falling in love for someone and being infatuated by them?
When it starts, it’s the same, there’s no way of telling them apart – the thumping heart, the stuttering, the sweats, the lack of focus, the tunnel vision, the fear of losing what you still don’t have (do you ever have anyone?).
Then the drop – they feel the same, it’s mutual, the inertia takes control, the World narrows down to two bodies, to two hearts, to just one beat. There’s no distance between us, there’s only a vast void outside of us… The concept of mine is lost. Our identities become a soup of entangled emotions, a yearning for more closeness, even when inside each other, it just doesn’t seem close enough…
Then the inevitable explosion. Sometimes its powerful, dynamic, like two atoms colliding. Sometimes it’s mundane, and mediocre like a Wednesday morning traffic jam…
But its over. We all know it is. We see the distinctions again, the space between the two, we understand that there’s more to the World than us, we start retrieving the sense of self, of uniqueness… and the despair that comes from knowing that you no longer know where you start, and the other ends.
I don’t know how to discern when I’m in love and when I’m infatuated… I don’t think I’ll ever know how to tell the difference.
But I’m going to settle for being in love with myself, and not worrying about any infatuations.
I’m going on a 3 month trial of solitude, no searching, no flirting, no responding.
A trimester of silent loving.