Panicked, The Twenty Fix


we are all mistakes in one way or another, we are all fallen angels.

I don’t expect you to feel warm, like when you leave your cigarette burning a hole, in your sheets, and then your mattress.

Panicked by mere questions: Why are you alive? What makes you happy? Who are you? How much do you make? When are you getting married? Do you enjoy anal? Can we come in?

Panicked by knowledge: Everyone you’ve ever met, ever loved, every single person on the planet right now, will be dead in 120 years. What will be left of you in this cycle of the World? What will you leave behind? Ashes and virtual profiles?

Panicked by mundane experiences: When I flushed the toilet at my partner’s home… And the flush wouldn’t stop, and the water level rose, and the turd started dancing around the rim, like a toad trying to get out of a pond…

Panicked by life threatening events: The storm came without warning, and I was masturbating, and the sails started flapping, and I couldn’t hear it, because all the blood in my body was surging to my brain… But I felt the mast come down. It was violent and unavoidable. And that crack and whipping sound is the soundtrack to panic in my mind.

Panicked by you: I know what panic tastes like… I’ve had it in my mouth, when I choked you, and kissed you, and you trusted me… how could you be so arrogant, and think I’d forgiven you… You never saw it coming, and I can’t get the taste out of my mouth, but I don’t regret doing it, I sleep better at night, knowing you can’t harm me, or anyone else.

I used to panic for the smallest of things; do I have something between my teeth? Am I dressed accordingly to the event? Will someone laugh at how much I eat? Will I freeze when I’m on stage? Do I smell bad? But after you… After you put me through hell, and after I sent you there… I don’t feel panicked by much anymore. I sometimes feel tension built in my neck, and the hairs of my body go on edge, when I see police officers walking straight to me… But they don’t know. Nobody knows. I do however miss that taste, and I wonder if ever I’ll have it again.


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