“Thank you all for coming… I know most of you don’t know each other, but there will be time for that. Beat for the crowd to settle.
Three months ago you popped into my life. Now I’m pregnant with your child. The unlikely one that broke through a condom and all social norms. beat for laughter.
And against all odds, you found inside of me, a temporary home.
I guess it’s also unlikely we’ll still be together when you grow up, but you know, the greatest moments in history are a string of unlikely events landing in synchronicity. So I’m happy to wager on this bet, that we’ll still be together, as a family.
So my dear love and dear unborn, cheers to the unlikely events! And that there be many more!”
–Speaker: “So? What do you think of this ode to my new family? Good opener for the event, right?”
–Me: “Wholly crap, Karen! You’re pregnant with… what was his name?”
– Speaker: “Darian.”
– Me: “With Darian’s baby!? How did this even happen?! This speech is kind of gross by the way…”
– Speaker: “Well, firstly, fuck you, Jenn. It’s not gross, it’s true. It’s unavoidable. Like the tide, like life itself.”
– Me: “Ok, well… If it’s truly so ‘unavoidable’ and all these serendipities point to keeping it, let’s not ignore the fact that you actively chose not to take the morning-after pill, or even consult with abortion options. Did you… Fuck Karen… Did you like… break the condom on purpose?”
– Speaker: “What? Are you fucking insane! No!! This is a rainbow child! Stronger than anything you’ve ever encountered. I don’t need to help like that.”
– Me: “Ok ok! Geez.. I’m sorry. Let’s ignore all the steps you actively didn’t take to keep it. If you say your ‘Force of Nature’ will overcome all barriers, then really, what’s the rush? This rainbow child will eventually find itself back in his ball sack and into your belly one way or another; no matter how much you try not to have it. So why don’t you just take a breather, get to know the bloke, like, do you even know his surname, or his favourite colour, has he even farted in front of you yet? Christ, Karen, I’m sorry, this is just a bit too much. Last week you were in love with yoga, this week you were non stop talking about your past lives, but this… this isn’t a phase you can unsubscribe from.”